How to Tell People What You Need in Grief

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Grief is something that hits us hard, in ways we don’t always expect. When we lose someone close to us, or when faced with our own health struggles, emotions can be overwhelming. One framework that has been helpful for many is the Kübler-Ross model, which breaks down grief into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was originally designed to describe how terminally ill patients react to their diagnosis, but it’s also widely used to help understand how we process loss and cope with the death of someone important in our lives.

That said, it’s important to understand that these stages weren’t made for grief from the loss of someone we love. They were developed to explain the emotional journey of people who are dealing with their own impending death. You might feel some of these emotions when you're grieving someone, but it’s not always as clear-cut or in any particular order. Everyone experiences grief differently, and while these stages can be helpful to understand, they’re just a guideline, not a one-size-fits-all blueprint.

Let’s break down each stage and how it might show up for you during grief.

Denial is a common reaction when we’re faced with something we can’t fully wrap our minds around. When we lose someone or face an illness, it feels like the world should stop for a moment to recognize that pain, but it doesn’t. We might find ourselves in disbelief—expecting the person to walk through the door or wondering if we’ll wake up from the nightmare. It’s almost as if we can’t accept what’s happening because the pain of accepting it feels unbearable.

For someone grieving, this could look like thinking that the person isn’t really gone or that it’s all just a bad dream. You might find yourself replaying conversations or moments with them as if they’re still here. Denial isn’t something to fear—it’s a way our minds give us time to take in the reality, even if it doesn’t feel like it at first.

Once denial starts to fade, anger often comes in. The truth starts sinking in, and it’s hard to face. You may feel frustrated, upset, and even furious. You might feel angry at the person who’s passed, at yourself for not having done more, or at others for not understanding your pain. You might question why it happened, why you were the one left behind, or why the universe didn’t step in to fix things.

For someone who’s grieving, this anger can surface in many ways. You might feel mad that your loved one didn’t get more time, or that you weren’t able to do more for them. Or you might even feel anger toward yourself, wondering what you could’ve done differently. It’s important to remember that anger is a normal part of grief—it’s a raw reaction to the loss that helps you begin to deal with it.

Bargaining happens when we try to gain some control over the situation. It's the part where we wish we could go back and do something differently—“If only I had told them how much they meant to me,” or “If I had acted sooner, maybe they’d still be here.” Some people may also turn to a higher power, making promises like, “If I could just have one more day, I’ll live a better life.”

In the context of grief, this phase might come with thinking, "If I could have just spent more time, maybe I could have made a difference." People in this phase often feel like they could have "fixed" something if only they had known what to do. But the reality is, no amount of bargaining can change what has happened. It’s just another step in coming to terms with the loss.

When the weight of the loss becomes undeniable, depression often follows. This is the stage where the sadness and emptiness hit full force. It’s where you may feel like the world is darker, that life isn’t worth going on, or that it’s hard to get out of bed. The reality of the loss becomes so overwhelming that it can feel impossible to function.

Grieving individuals often experience this phase deeply. It may feel like an emotional storm—crying for hours, feeling paralyzed, or just not knowing how to move forward. This is the hardest stage for many, and it’s also the stage that people don’t always talk about enough. It’s okay to feel like this. It’s part of the healing process. The key is to give yourself time and space to experience this sadness, but to know that it won’t always feel this way.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re “over” the grief. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel the loss. It just means you’ve found a way to live with it. In this stage, you start to accept that life, as it was, is no longer what it used to be. You begin to adjust to a new reality without your loved one, and slowly, you start to find meaning in the pain.

For many people, acceptance is about integrating the loss into their life—creating new routines, remembering the good moments, and honoring the person who’s gone. You begin to understand that, while the person is no longer physically here, their impact on your life remains. It’s about learning to live with grief instead of letting it consume you.

Remember, these stages are just one way to understand grief. You don’t have to experience them in any particular order, and you don’t have to go through every stage. Some people may experience these emotions in a completely different way or might never reach “acceptance.” That’s okay. Grief is complicated. It’s messy. It’s different for everyone. But know that no matter where you are in the process, it's a part of your healing journey.

Take it one step at a time. Allow yourself the space to feel what you feel. You don’t have to have all the answers, and there’s no right way to grieve. What matters most is that you’re acknowledging your pain and taking care of yourself as you navigate this difficult journey.

Grief is one of those experiences that we can never truly prepare for, and it can feel especially heavy when it touches our children. Many adults worry about how to talk to kids about loss—whether it’s the death of a family member, friend, or even a pet. It’s hard to know where to start, what to say, or how to say it in a way that makes sense. But one thing is clear: if a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve.

Grief doesn’t have an age limit. Just because kids are young doesn’t mean they don’t feel the depth of loss. In fact, children often need more guidance and reassurance during times of grief than we realize. But here's the thing: this is also a unique opportunity to show them how to grieve—how to navigate the emotions and complexities of life that they’ll inevitably encounter. The way we model grief for children can teach them how to process their emotions, deal with sadness, and even find hope in the midst of pain.

Many adults, understandably, try to protect children from the hurt and sadness that come with loss. The intention is usually good: we don’t want to see our kids hurting. However, when we shield them from the reality of loss, we also deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to cope with it.

Children often pick up on emotional cues even when we think we’re hiding our pain. They can sense when something’s off, and that confusion can lead to anxiety, fear, and misunderstanding. Instead of keeping the details from them, we can involve them in the process.

Let them see that grief is okay. Let them know that it’s normal to feel sad, to cry, to miss someone, and that all these feelings are part of being human. In doing so, we teach them that it’s okay to feel deeply and express those feelings.

Kids look to the adults in their lives to understand how to handle difficult situations. If we sweep grief under the rug, we send the message that it’s something to be avoided or that it’s too scary to talk about. But if we allow our children to see us grieve, if we share our stories of loss, we create an opportunity for them to learn and understand grief in a healthy way.

Instead of asking them probing questions about their feelings, we can share our own stories of how we’re feeling. For example, if we’re sad, we can say something like, “I’m feeling really sad today because I miss Grandpa, but I know it’s okay to feel that way. It’s part of remembering him.” This opens the door for them to understand that sadness doesn’t need to be hidden—it can be shared and understood.

We can also take time to create a safe space for them to express themselves. If they want to talk, listen without interruption. If they want to draw a picture or write a letter to the person they’ve lost, let them. Grief is different for everyone, and kids may not know how to process it verbally right away. Giving them the freedom to express their emotions in their own way can be just as valuable as having a conversation.

One of the most difficult aspects of grief for kids is understanding where their loved one has gone. This can be an especially challenging conversation, but it’s also a chance to help kids find comfort.

If you believe that the person has passed away and gone to heaven, be honest and clear with your child about that belief. Instead of giving vague or overly simplistic explanations, try something like:

“Grandma has gone to heaven now. It’s a beautiful place where she’s free from pain, and she’s with other people who love her. Heaven is a really good place, and even though we can’t see her, she’s still with us in our hearts.”

This approach is comforting for children because it doesn’t try to gloss over the reality of death. It acknowledges the loss while giving them hope and reassurance about what happens next. It also opens the door for them to ask more questions, should they have them. And those questions might not come all at once—they might emerge weeks or months after the loss. But by giving them clear and honest information early on, you give them the foundation they need to process the loss in a healthy way.

Sometimes, children don’t need all the answers—they need to hear stories. They need to know how others have handled grief, how their loved ones found meaning in the midst of loss, and how life can continue, even after death. Sharing personal stories of the person who passed away is an incredibly powerful tool for children to make sense of the loss.

Instead of asking them how they feel (which might be too much of a burden for a child to answer), tell them a story about their loved one. Share the funny moments, the memories that made them smile, and the ways in which their loved one impacted the world. You might say:

“Remember how Grandpa always told the funniest jokes? He made me laugh so much. Even though we won’t hear his jokes anymore, we can keep laughing and remembering him in those funny moments.”

By sharing these stories, you create a space where your child can honor the person’s memory and see that even after death, their legacy continues through love and remembrance. It also allows them to see that it’s okay to talk about their loved one without fear of making others sad or uncomfortable.

Children will not “get over” a loss overnight, just like adults. Grief is a long journey, one that can take time to process, and children might revisit it over the years. As a parent, caregiver, or adult in their life, it’s important to keep the conversation open and ongoing.

Check in with them as they grow and ask how they’re doing with the grief process. Don’t be afraid to let them know that grief doesn’t end after a funeral or after the first few weeks. It’s okay for them to miss the person forever—it doesn’t mean they aren’t healing. Grief is about learning to live with the loss, not forgetting it.

Grieving is hard. It's painful. It’s not something anyone should have to go through, especially children. But by teaching kids that grief is a natural part of life—by showing them how to grieve, explaining where their loved ones are, and creating a safe space for their emotions—we help them grow into emotionally strong and resilient adults. We teach them that love doesn’t end with death, and that grief, though difficult, can be navigated with care, understanding, and the support of those who love them.

If we guide them through grief, we give them the tools they need to handle whatever life throws their way—because the truth is, life will always include loss. But it can also include healing, connection, and hope.

Grief is an all-encompassing experience that touches every aspect of our lives. It shakes the foundation of who we are, altering our sense of self and the way we relate to the world around us. Whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life transition, the emotional and psychological toll of grief can be profound.

One of the most significant ways grief impacts us is by altering our identity. We often tie our sense of who we are to the people, roles, and routines we engage with in our daily lives. When we lose someone or something important, it can feel like we’ve lost a part of ourselves, leaving us adrift and uncertain. However, there are strategies available to help us reclaim and rebuild our identity after a loss. These strategies focus on transforming how we perceive grief, empowering us to regain control over our lives and emotions.

When we lose a loved one, we often lose the role we played in their life. If we were a partner, a caregiver, a best friend, or a parent, these roles were central to our identity. Losing someone can feel like we’re losing not just that person, but also our place in the world. This shift can create feelings of emptiness or confusion about who we are without that connection.

Our identities are often shaped by the routines and daily activities we engage in. After a loss, those routines may be disrupted, leaving us with a sense of disorientation. The daily tasks and rituals that once brought meaning and stability can feel foreign or even impossible to maintain.

Grief often brings up feelings of guilt, self-doubt, or inadequacy. If we feel we could have done more for a loved one or should have acted differently, those feelings can impact our sense of self-worth. Our identity can become tied to the loss, leading us to question our value and abilities.

Loss can force us to face hard questions about life and death, what truly matters, and what we want our lives to be. This introspection can alter how we see ourselves and our priorities, and sometimes, grief leads to a redefinition of our purpose or direction in life.

While grief may change the way we see ourselves, it doesn't have to define us forever. The path to healing involves taking active steps to regain control of our identity and reshape it in the face of loss. Here are some strategies to help you move forward:

The story we tell ourselves about our grief plays a major role in how we experience it. If we define ourselves solely by our loss, we may start to feel stuck or overwhelmed. It’s important to acknowledge the grief but also consciously shift the narrative to reflect growth, resilience, and the broader picture of who we are.

Strategy: Start by recognizing that your grief is a chapter in your story, not the entire book. While the loss is significant, it is only one part of who you are. Focus on the aspects of yourself that remain intact—your strength, your capacity to love, and your ability to heal.

Action Step: Each time you feel overwhelmed by grief, pause and ask yourself, “What else is true about me?” You are still someone who is capable of joy, love, and growth. Reconnect with those parts of yourself, and shift your focus to how you can rebuild.

Grief can make us feel powerless, as if our world has spiraled out of control. In times like these, it’s essential to regain a sense of agency. Focusing on what we can control—whether it’s our thoughts, actions, or reactions—can help restore balance and a sense of self.

Strategy: Identify the areas of your life that are still within your control, and take action on those. Even the smallest decisions can empower you and remind you that you still have the ability to shape your life moving forward.

Action Step: Start each day by identifying one thing you can control. This could be as simple as deciding to take a walk, choosing to reach out to a friend, or setting a small goal for yourself. Taking intentional action, no matter how small, helps regain your sense of identity and purpose.

How we interpret grief can have a profound impact on how we move through it. Rather than viewing grief as something that only takes away, consider it as a transformative process that can lead to growth and deeper understanding. The pain of grief doesn’t have to be something that defines you—it can become an opportunity for self-reflection and emotional healing.

Strategy: Reframe the loss as an invitation to grow. While you may never “get over” the grief, you can use it as a catalyst for deeper self-awareness, emotional resilience, and a richer understanding of life. Grief teaches us valuable lessons about love, connection, and the impermanence of life.

Action Step: Whenever you feel yourself slipping into a negative perspective about grief, ask yourself, “What is this teaching me?” By finding meaning in the loss, you can reframe the experience as part of your growth and evolution rather than something that diminishes you.

Healing from grief isn’t a passive process; it requires intentional, proactive action. Engaging in activities that nurture your emotional well-being can help you rebuild your identity after a loss. Whether it’s through creative outlets, physical activity, or seeking support from others, taking action is key to feeling empowered again.

Strategy: Commit to engaging in regular activities that help you process your emotions and move through your grief. Whether it’s journaling, therapy, or simply allowing yourself time for rest and reflection, taking action is essential for healing.

Action Step: Choose one new activity each week that supports your emotional healing. This could be starting a journaling practice, joining a support group, or engaging in physical activity like yoga or walking. The more consistent you are with these actions, the more control you’ll feel over your healing process.

Anchors are positive experiences, people, or places that help us feel grounded and uplifted. When navigating grief, it’s essential to cultivate positive anchors that remind us of our strength, joy, and ability to heal. These anchors help us reconnect with the best parts of ourselves.

Strategy: Surround yourself with people, activities, and environments that make you feel supported, loved, and inspired. These positive anchors will provide stability and comfort as you move through the grief process.

Action Step: Identify three things or people that bring you peace and strength. These might include a favorite book, a friend who listens without judgment, or a place that calms your mind. Make time for these anchors regularly, especially when the weight of grief feels overwhelming.

Grief is a deeply transformative experience that can fundamentally alter the way we see ourselves and the world. However, with the right strategies, it is possible to rebuild your identity in the wake of loss. By shifting your narrative, focusing on what you can control, reframing your perspective, taking meaningful action, and creating positive anchors, you can reclaim your sense of self and emerge stronger from the experience.

Remember, grief is part of your story, but it is not the end of it. You have the power to navigate this journey with resilience, and through intentional action, you can reshape your identity in a way that honors both the loss and your own growth.